Feelings list: https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelings_inventory_0.pdf

Needs List: https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/needs_inventory_0.pdf


Check In – find a time to speak that works for them, too: There’s something I want to chat with you about, when would be a good time to do that?


Set the Stage, let them know how important they are to you and the relationship is to you (or how important the job and the team is to you, etc): Our relationship is important to me and I want to tend to it, and keep it healthy and happy. So I wanted to have a chat with you about something that I believe will bring us closer and make our relationship stronger.

Ive got notes because I want to make sure I communicate clearly and concisely and Im also using a new communication style I learned that helps us stay in harmony, so please bear with me as Im still learning.


Compassionate Communication Style:

When you (name what they said or did – only the facts)

I felt (emotion words)

I need / I have a need for / I like there to be / I like / I want a sense of (name a need or two)

Would you be willing to (name your request)?


Then negotiate for an outcome:

If the other person says no – you can ask them – what’s the reason this solution doesnt work? Which of your needs are getting blocked.

Ask them to offer a solution – Can you suggest a solution you think might work?

OK, that sounds good, let’s try that for a month.

No, that one doesnt work for me because it blocks my needs for…….

How about (name another trial solution).


If their answer is “no” to all the solutions:

1. Self empathy – go take care of yourself, hot bath, walk, talk to friend, journal

2. What do you want to do in light of this? What actions will you take next time this happens?